Salam ladies! I just wanted to post real quick about something that hit me yesterday and it made me feel like an idiot. Recently I've gained quite a bit of weight due to a certain brand of birth control I was taking and it bothers me a lot when I see myself because I feel foreign in my own body. I've become so uncomfortable in my own skin its ridiculous. From the moment I get up to the moment I fall asleep I feel like I have to constantly remind myself to suck in or stand up straight or don't hunch my shoulders because it will make you look even worse.
Even my face bothers me. I got a black eye a while back from bumping heads with my friend by accident and it made one side of my face almost lift, so I have one eyebrow that is significantly higher than the other and its quite noticeable because my brows are big. Of course I'm the only one that notices this but it bothers me soooo much! I'm cautious of what side to stand on in pictures and what side to sit in class so that people dont have to focus on the "ugly" side of my face. Its pathetic and I hate myself for it.
I used to be the most confident girl with big eyebrows and didn't care who knew. I was always much taller than my friends and had broad shoulders but I owned them. I was never the girl that was uncomfortable with how she looked until now. I used to love every imperfection in myself and I really didnt care what others thought. But the moment I gained some weight and started really noticing and over-analysing myself I became that girl. The self-concious girl that couldn't stand herself anymore. Not everyone notices of course, since Im tall and wear looser clothing it hides a lot and no one can really tell, but I can and it kills me. Until yesterday.
I was getting ready for an interview I had and I was so excited for it. I was choosing my outfit and really focussing on my makeup. I have to say I did really good makeup yesterday because the interview was for a cosmetics company. I liked my look and then I went to the interview. It was a group interview and I sat closest to the itnerviewers with the ugly side of my face facing them. I was so upset from the beginning and I got so nervous that they were going to think I didn't look good or that my eyebrows are weird or that I looked to big or something. I was fidgety but tried to keep cool and I could not sit comfortably.
I stressed so much when I was in that interview about how I looked that when I caught myself in a mirror on the way out I almost laughed out loud. I looked at myself and next to other girls I was thinking in my head "dammnn, you look good!" haha but seriously I felt like an idiot, my makeup was flawless, my clothes were really nice, I was still big and busty but it didnt seem so bad. I just felt so stupid for feeling like a nervous wreck in the interview because I looked fine. Walking out of the interview, the lady doing the interview even complimented my makeup! I was shocked. I just felt so stupid and realized I'm ok. I am fine, I look fine, I should feel fine.
Thats my goal now. I want to start losing the weight and I signed up for a gym membership so hopefully that will bring some confidence back. And also I want to learn to stop stressing so much about what side of my face looks better and what eyebrow is higher or lower. I need to find the old me again and Inshallah I will.
Sorry if this was kind of heavy or weird. I just had to vent. Im not looking for compliments or anything, I just feel like I'm not the only one that feels this way sometimes. I realized yesterday how silly it is to feel this way!