Tuesday, 25 February 2014

The Angst of Anxiety


Anxiety sucks! I know what you're thinking "way to state the obvious Jenan", but seriously anxiety, stress, worrying and panic attacks keep my brain in constant motion. I sleep with my hands clenched like I'm about to enter a boxing ring and I wake up with the world on my shoulders. It seems endless because even when something so little comes up that no normal person would even think twice about, my head just overworks itself with worry and I overthink it until it becomes a big problem in my life. I went through phases where even the weather brought me so much stress and anxiety that I would have panic attacks if it rained a bit. I've improved since then but thats mostly because my brain simply has no more room to worry about the weather because its too preoccupied with stressing about school, work, home and my new marriage (I recently got married for the first time and I have so much to talk about, but we'll leave that for another day). To me, having anxiety just means that everything in my life is overwhelming and when problems get solved I feel instant relief until a new problem takes over my brain and the cycle returns. I think the worst part really is just that the people around me don't understand how my head works. Even when I try to explain that I hate surprises and that I need to know everything and that I need to be in control of certain situations, it comes off like I'm overbearing and OCD. Really whats happening is that I'm simply freaking out about failing or things not turning out right. Its hard for me to delegate and share responsibility and when I do I am terrified of what could happen. My husband has a hard time grasping my anxiety. He is the complete opposite of me in terms of worrying. He is very relaxed and almost nothing bothers him or stresses him out. The poor guy tries to tell me to relax or to give me solutions when really wish I could do is explain exactly what I am feeling when I am stressed about something. 
What's funny is that I'm even nervous about posting this because I feel like it's not a good subject to start my blog with. I guess all I'm hoping is that someone reads this and knows exactly what I'm feeling and can relate to some of the things I go through on a regular basis and from that to keep posting about relatable (less whiny) things in the future. If at least one person can relate it would make me feel less insane because most of my friend and family don't understand why I get worked up about things and their suggestions are not easy to just apply to my life. Its a lot more complicated than that. 
One thing that I find helps sometimes is just finding an outlet to let it all out. For me my outlet is driving on a long open road, music on, windows open and just breathing in all the fresh air. I wouldn't say it helps me clear my head because nothing can do that, but it definitely makes me happy.

PS: If anyone actually does read this let me know if you can relate! :)

3 comments:

  1. I've had clinical depression for teo years. Every word you say rings true tom years. It's so hard when no medince works, Blah. Hope you feel better hun x

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    1. *two *rings true to my ears

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    2. I go through depression phases, thats why my doctor refuses to put me on any pills, but my anxiety brings me down, it sucks!

      But thanks for your comment! I followed your blog just now, looks great so far! Hope to see more of you on my blog! :)

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Thanks so much for your comments! I love reading them and I will always reply when I can! <3